I’ve been working on some articles that get at the core mindset that appears to drive abusive people.
This chart came from some of what I am discovering.
Toxic, entitled, abusive, and controlling people seem to have a rigid sense of self that they define quite apart from how they actually show up in the world. This rigid identity can not tolerate being questioned.
It seems that these people have a radically different world view from most of the rest of us. They experience the world and everything in it as things to possess and control. Others among us experience the world and everything in it as things to form relationships with, and those relationships usually carry responsibilities of stewardship.
This is a spectrum, just like most other human conditions, and even the best of us slip into the ‘possession’ end of the scale at times.
The KEY difference? Are you willing/able to self-reflect honestly?
On the left, we have:
- Identity as aspiration: This is who I want to be, and my behaviour is how I work toward becoming that person.
- This requires no defense, simply understanding, learning, and, if warranted, change in bhaviour.
- It ALSO allows for the identity itself to change over time. It allows us to change our position on things when we learn something new.
- This is the: “When you know better, you can DO better.” approach to life.
- It allows for correction, forgiveness, and lifelong change.
And on the right we have:
- Identity as possession: This is who I have decided I am, and I must defend that claim against anything that contradicts it.
- The defence isn’t protecting an established identity from being damaged. It’s protecting an invented identity from being exposed as a fiction.
- Here, identity protection becomes the very mechanism that prevents identity alignment.
- This is the Popeye approch to life. (I am what I am.)
- This is rigid and requires agreement rather than understanding.
p.s. For the tech geeks in the crowd:
It’s the difference between storing your identity in ROM or in EPROM.
