Some years ago I was at a conference where Dmitri Williams was talking about the social history of videogames. He made reference to this song as a way of illustrating how the societal reaction to videogames isn’t really new. Since then I’ve thought about re-working (OK maybe perverting a little) the lyrics to match the current denunciation of our newest medium (with apologies and all due respect for the original composer Meredith Willson (1902-1984). For a dictionary of the original terminology, see: http://www.sewickley.org/~kcerny/LowerSchool/divisionmusical/TheMusicManDictionary.htm

Ya Got Trouble (original lyrics found here)

Read on to see my updated lyrics….

Harold:
Well, either you’re closing your eyes
To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of the game consoles in your community.
Ya got trouble, my friend, right here,
I say, trouble right here in River City.
Why sure I’m a board game player,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I’m always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With the chess pieces in my hand are golden.
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye.
Never take and try to give
An iron-clad leave to yourself
From a Queen’s Gambit Declined?
But just as I say,
It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to score
In a strategy game,
I say that any boob kin take
And shoot a grunt in Halo.
And they call that sloth.
The first big step on the road
To the depths of deg-ra-Day–
I say, first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon,
Then beer from a bottle.
An’ the next thing ya know,
Your son is power leveling for money
In Wow.
And list’nin to some big out-a-town Pro
Hearin’ him tell about Mario Kart Wii.
Not a wholesome Tour de France, no!
But a race where the wheel ain’t even attached to the car!
Like to see some stuck-up Waluigi
Sittin’ on a Klein Elite? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.
Ya got one, two, three, four, five, twelve characters on the track.
Bots that mark the diff’rence
Between a gentlemen and a bum,
With a capital “B,”
And that rhymes with “V” and that stands for Vid’ya-game!
And all week long your River City
Youth’ll be frittern away,
I say your young men’ll be frittern!
Frittern away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too!
Get your Mii past the finishline,
Never mind gittin’ Dandelions pulled
Or the garbage put out or the dishwasher emptied.
Never watering the lawn
‘Til you have no real life left
On a Saturday night and that’s trouble,
Oh, yes we got lots and lots a’ trouble.
I’m thinkin’ of the kids in the baggy pants,
Pre-teens, peekin’ in the arcade
Window after school, look, folks!
Right here in River City.
Trouble with a capital “T”
And that rhymes with “V” and that stands for Vid’ya-game!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kinda parents.
I’m gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kinda conversation goes
On while they’re loafin’ around that arcade?
They’re tryin’ out Red Bull, tryin’ out Jolt,
Tryin’ out 42 ouncers like Übergeeks!
And braggin’ all about
How they’re gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Dentyne.
One fine night, they leave the video arcade,
Headin’ for the LAN party!
Libertine men and Scarlet women!
And Hip-Hop, shameless music
That’ll grab your son and your daughter
With the arms of a jungle animal instink!
Mass-staria!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil’s playground!

People:
Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right here in River City!
With a capital “T”
That rhymes with “V”
And that stands for Vid’ya-game,
That stands for Vid’ya-game.
We’ve surely got trouble!
Right here in River City,
Right here!
Gotta figger out a way
To keep the young ones moral after school!
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble…

Harold:
Mothers of River City!
Heed the warning before it’s too late!
Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!
The moment your son leaves the house,
Does he pull his pants down below the hip?
Is there a callus on his thumb?
A game guide hidden under the coffee table?
Is he starting to memorize lines from GTA IV?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like ‘zerg?”
And ‘RTFM?”
Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble,
Right here in River city!
With a capital “T”
And that rhymes with “V”
And that stands for Vid’ya-game.
We’ve surely got trouble!
Right here in River City!
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!
Oh, we’ve got trouble.
We’re in terrible, terrible trouble.
That game with the 40-man raids is a devil’s tool!
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
With a “T”! Gotta rhyme it with “V”!
And that stands for Vid’ya-game!!!

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